Wednesday, November 4, 2009

2 Years Blogging -Goal for Year 3: Self-Control

It's been two years and I still haven't learned the art of self-control. I react without counting to three and whatever happens, happens. I can't go on like this, it's oftentimes counter-productive. Writing is the perfect way to get things off your chest, but sometimes some of that chest stuff needs to remain there. So, while I'd like to spit a lot of stuff right now, I can't. This creates double the amount of frustration. I need to say a lot, write a lot, and I can't, because at a certain point I need to learn self-control and how to manage issues without writing them in my blog- which is really what I've been doing for the past two years.

Two years ago I started writing this blog and never would I have ever imagined that I would have been able to keep it going this long. But writing throughout these past two years has been a cathartic experience and the opportunity for me to think through a lot of issues.

The surprising thing is that the issues continue to evolve, my kids keep growing and so do I. I've never really looked at myself as a function of myself, only as a function of my kids. In this two year time period I have both built and destroyed. Now I'm trying to deal with the repercussions of both.

I received a letter the other day in regard to work and by what was written in the letter, it was obvious that this person had no idea what I've been working on and at what level the past two years. He/She saw me speak as the passionate mom fighting for her cause...he/she didn't meet me as the coordinator of a project that I had to fight for every single time an issue was raised. He/She didn't see me arguing with doctors to make sure my ideas were heard and enacted. He/She wasn't in the room with me when I met with the President to present a project created together with American support, or how I made the president come around to my side of the table during the meeting.

How many roles can we assume in the course of the day? We've discussed this a thousand times. I can be the sweet mom who makes you live what I've lived for five minutes of your life, but the work I do does not stop there.

How do you make these people understand that?


And people wonder why I'm schizophrenic, this place is enough to drive you crazy.


Debbie said...

Happy Anniversary! This blog has been quite a journey for all of us involved. I can't wait to see you at reunion and toast to your accomplishments. Your passion has served you well, young grasshopper. And as far as your plight to make people understand...a good friend once told me and I hold it true..."kill them with kindness and a smile on your face."

Jo (Australia) said...

Wow you have been blogging for 2 years, Happy Anniversary! I have only recently discovered your blog and in that time have come to see some amazing writing and insight into life that you possess. You still continue to inspire me and I say if you want to vent you should vent, you don't realise how many people are nodding their heads in undertanding when they read your blog and I am one of them.

mervynjames224 said...

The first 5 are the worst lol.... what I do now is start 'anew' every year, out with the old etc, mainly because in bloggo-land, 2 hours and you are history, less at times. I do not think ANYONE reads a blog more than a week old at all, so it seems a pretty pointless pastime storing what I might do for another year. The cyber world is very unforgiving and with 4 billion blogs knocking about the chances of more than a few hundred ever seeing yours is remote, all is futile, why do we do it ! The thing to avoid is being competitive, once you enter that area you can be addicted very quickly to it, and every week you are watching the ratings/hits... As a Brit I don't get that pressure, we got nothing here, so I am majority of one lol.... and the Americans are quite 'territorial' so even if you have an item or an interesting blog that attracts readers, they will wait until an American does it and then read theirs lol... Some assume is some sort of dedicated 'deaf facebook' thing, they get dissolutioned quickly don't they !

Unknown said... kill me. NEVER has anyone EVER called me "Young Grasshopper" LMAO...I'm leaving a body trail :-)Love you...

Jo- Thank you so much for your kind words, really so nice and appreciated. I hope I never meet you my Australian friend- *Wink-Smile* xoxo

MM- well aren't we international today? You know, as far as people reading your old blogs, they do. Don't erase yours because there will be an element that people may find when doing a google search and your words may still help the next.
When I started blogging, I got so caught up in the deafread craze that I began writing for others and looked at how many people were reading me and as you say..the numbers.
I'm not about that now. Now, I write to get myself through a difficult time and hope that my experiences will help the next. I'm writing for myself. The fact that I have this blog, makes me more sensitive to every moment I live and I like living life in that way. It's true that writers are very observant. I always wanted to be a writer but I was never overly observant. Now, I find that I am and I take every little word or gesture and reflect on it. For the first time in a long time, I really feel that I am alive and dealing with both the good and the bad...there's a lot of both to digest.

Time constraints, life, kids and work make it difficult to consult what's happening on deafread, but my time there, I mean consciously reading every day really helped me gain a new and broader perspective on my son...and for that I am thankful.

And so cheers to you my friend for five years...truly remarkable.

Jo (Australia) said...

So honoured to be called your friend and I look forward to meeting you one day soon (I hope) ha ha xx