Monday, January 31, 2011

White Patent Leather High-Heeled Boots

The world is IMMENSE.
The things we can do are INFINITE.
I stayed home all day yesterday and left my bed for about an hour.
Jordan had two friends over and Sofia the same.
I was hiding.
Whenever I pop out of my room, my kids want to be fed.
I'm allergic to my kitchen in this period, I'm sure I'll eventually find some passion for food. I try...but I just can't cook like my Italian ex-mother-in-law.
And so, I stayed in my bedroom.
Between the dog barking every time a child or parent coming to claim the child rang the bell and slammed the gate, I didn't get much sleep. But maybe the lack of motion served to recharge the internal batteries.
Because today, I feel a little different. Can't explain it.
It is what it is.
My mom, terrified to fly, hesitant to leave her husband and dog did something shocking.
She went to Las Vegas with her friend and saw Cher.
I remember when I was little, my mom's closet was filled with white patent leather high-heeled boots and fringy outfits. I loved my mom's closet. She used to be a singer and loved Sonny and Cher.

Every day we are something to someone. Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to be someone to ourselves. And the people who love us...need to give us that possibility.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Weak Week...:-)

Sick kids, tired Mamma.
One of those weeks where you wonder where you're going.
Driving in my car on my way to work, I asked for a sign.
I wondered where my Angels had gone and if they were still around.
Then, and I kid you not, this song played on the ITALIAN RADIO STATION:

Keep the faith.
Keep the faith.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Blank page.
Nothing new to speak of.
A couple of new ideas launched to random email addresses.
No replies.
Just finished a book called "The Extra Day".
There's a quote in the book that says, "Life is not what happens to you, it's what you do with what happens to you."
At this moment it seems like nothing is happening. So, I'll just have to do something with that nothing.
So that it transforms into an everything.
Because anything is possible.

Monday, January 24, 2011

24 Hours

I spent Saturday night and Sunday in Florence with my girlfriend.
Sushi, wine and sales.
I spent three hours on the train all by myself in a train-car all by myself and read all by myself...for the entire three hours.
I remember that I didn't read a book for eleven years after having read at least one book a week my entire life.
I remember that when I had to leave the house to run errands I used to feel guilty if I came home late, I used to consult my watch repeatedly to see how much time I had before I had to be home and had to do homework and had to organize and manage and cook and clean.
I love reading, sushi, wine and sales...
And being all by myself.
Sometimes it only takes 24 hours to turn a "have to do" into a "want to do".
In all aspects of life...

Friday, January 21, 2011

A Tale of Two Ice-Cream Cones

The could be and the is.
Try to follow me here, because I'm having difficulty understanding me myself and I.
The choice of which ice-cream to choose, that moment when you stand before the Baskin and Robbins counter and you have all of those flavors to choose from...that moment may be defined as a "could be."
You see, you, your entire life have chosen B n R's chocolate chip ice-cream flavor.
And you love that flavor, you know exactly what it will taste like, and that you will love it.
Staring back at you every time you approach the counter is peanut-butter and chocolate ice-cream. Rich creamy chocolate with chunks of peanut butter and it calls to you. It is definitely a no-no. Much more fattening than chocolate chip, and if that becomes your favorite? And you abandon your beloved chocolate chip for something so wrong, so desperately wrong, so sinfully delicious?
So you're standing at the counter, debating in your head, constantly debating and the teenager behind the counter is staring at you to the point where you actually say, "I'm PMS, I need another minute to decide."
And you shoot a fond glance at the chocolate chip ice-cream and fire a pissed off stare at the peanut butter chocolate beckoning to the point where you
You're too pissed off at the is to want it anymore and the could be is just not possible because you are a woman with morals
So, you wave goodbye to the teenager behind the counter, wish her well
Starbucks next door for a cappuccino.
And as you sip....
you think about what could have been.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Coffee Break

I went to the food store to buy bread.During my ten minutes free.
While I waited in line to pay for my bread, I listened to a mother scream at her kid: "I can't take you anywhere why do you have to embarrass me everytime we go to the food store I'm not buying you anything..."
Two of my ten free minutes, I cringed.
A project partner called while the other texted as I read an email from yet another partner.
Triple-tasking and balancing during non-free time.
Jordan's school called. He had a headache, could I come to pick him up from school?
I left work. Drove to his school. Walked inside. Signed him out. And took him to his grandparents' house to sleep it off. I went to take my car to get the annual three year inspection certified. It passed. I went to pick Sofia and her friend up from school. Made lunch. Worked the rest of the afternoon. Balanced projects and kids in my head. Had dinner with a friend.
I told her, "I do not fit in. I feel out of place. I feel like I am my own island in the middle of an ocean."
She made me an espresso.
I tickled Sofia's back and put her to sleep. Ten minutes later Jordan came into my room and laid down beside me.
He confessed his teenage fears, his dreams and wondered if he would ever achieve them.
I told him that I once had teenage fears.
I told him that I have dreams that his dreams will come true.
I told him that I will do anything I can to help him help himself to make sure that those dreams come true.
And I told him to take it one small step at a time.
Then, I kissed him good night.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Flannel PJs

Sofia and three friends played in my bedroom all day. I entered my room to check on them and was greeted with the overpowering stench of an exploded deodorize-your-closet can.
I opened the windows and the smell disappeared.

I went to work this morning and the director called us into his office for a project update. I gave him the information, the other girl gave him the information, then she left and the director and I were alone. He proceeded to outline his vision for my future and all of the endless possibilites that I could add to the association.
He is a person who goes to work every day, deals with crisis day in and day out, yet still has a vision.
I left the office completely stressed yet touched by the power of his ability to want more from the future.

I work on a project that deals with sustainable energy and the relevance and basic concept surrounding sustainable energy is directly applicable to my state of mind at the moment.

I have no external sources of sustainable energy at the current moment. And so I must be my own energy source. I have found that just as solar energy can sustain the heart can sustain me.

So, instead of screaming at Sofia Madyson for being a typical 8 year old tyrant, I gave her a hug and laughed.
I met Jordan for pizza after school, we shared a bottle of water and he told me nothing was new at school.

That surgeon who I wrote the letter to because I was concerned about a patient, contacted that patient who contacted me to thank me, and in turn I re-contacted the surgeon to thank him.

A member of the forum had his processor activated and heard the clock ticking and the keyboard clicking for the first time in his life. Reborn.

I am using my heart, concentrating on creating my own energy, and what do you know?
It works. It takes a lot of practice and introspection...but it works.
The important thing is to give...without needing to receive.
So that when you do receive, the effect warms your toes.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Darkness...and Light

Sometimes my fingers type quicker than my brain.
But my fingers are always motivated by the cause.
Sometimes I only see one side of a two-faced person.
But that is because I believe so deeply in one side that it takes me a long time to see the other side.
I sent a message to a surgeon that I was worried about one of his patients.
He responded withing twelve hours by telling me he would contact that patient as soon as possible...and

Thank you.

I have been called aggressive, insecure, immature and explosive.
I have two sides, too.

I went to lunch with my girlfriend for the first time ever on a Sunday. We entered the restaurant, filled with long tables of families. All of their faces looked the same. The same.
We sat at a table for two. The families stared at us. We're cute. We ate seafood and drank white wine...maybe a little too much wine, but for the first time in a long time I laughed, relaxed and felt myself.
I told my friend that I was never the type of girl who dreamed of being married, I never flipped through magazines looking for that perfect princess wedding dress. It just happened and it was beautiful.
I like that sometimes things just happen.

After lunch I went to the ladies' room, it had an automated light. I locked the door and went to take care of business. The light went out. I was left in the dark.
I laughed to myself as I was sitting there and realized something for the first time...
I am not afraid of the dark.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Solar-Powered Hearing...

Low Cost Hearing Aids: Solar Ear Helping Developing Countries

Monday, December 13th 2010
The holiday season is a great time for heartwarming stories, the kind that spotlight positive and meaningful impact caring people make on the lives of others.
One such story is the one about Solar Ear, a project that brings hope to hundreds of thousands of hearing impaired people in the developing world.
Solar EarSimply put, Solar Ear is a low-cost hearing aid that gets a charge from solar-powered batteries. Not only are these hearing devices much more affordable to people in developing nations than traditional hearing aids, but they are also eco-friendly since they decrease our reliance on fossil fuel-based power and reduce toxic battery waste – a hazard to our health and to the environment.
Sun, on the other hand, provides us with millions of kilowatts of clean, safe, and cheap energy. We can’t go wrong with that, can we?

Click here to read entire article!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Fly on the Wall

Americans read "Under the Tuscan Sun".
Americans read "Eat, Pray, Love".
Americans watch Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie in "The Tourist".
People ask me all the time, "Isn't it amazing living in Tuscany?"

Yesterday, I sat in my bed reading a book in Italian and a line in the book said, "First, you need to learn to love yourself. Only then, will you be able to love again."

I have been a character in each of those books and I have been Angelina Jolie sitting on that train.
Once upon a time, I hung out at baseball stadiums, Friday Happy Hours, shopping malls on Saturday afternoons, and Sunday matinees.

During those Sunday matinees I would watch the glamourous lives and cultures visited, die for the clothes and dream of being that woman on the screen.
The films do not adequately convey the moments of solitude, the depth of suffering or the heartbeat that palpitates out of control.

At this precise moment, I accept the train ride, the lost souls I encounter on the journey and the fleeting encounters with good people along the way.
And yes, Tuscany is an amazing place to be...

Monday, January 3, 2011

Arrivederci, Jodi

I won't be going to Jerusalem.
I didn't find out from the Italians, I found out from my Israeli friend.
Sometimes two words can turn your life around.
Sometimes one good, intelligent, motivated, ambitious, faithful man and two words can transport you from a closed-minded, full of shit environment to the top of Mount Masada.
"Until we meet again".
Sometimes it's okay not to make it to the Promised Land, as long as you know it exists.