Monday, April 14, 2008
I wasn't planning on posting today, however, I started reading my regular blogs and once again, Christina's really touched me. Her post reminded me of something that happened to me during the hearing aid years. First, read her post:
I spent much of this morning trying to focus on my work, while Christian played with our sweet sitter Arina. It was a bit chaotic, as our new cleaning lady was here as well. Despite the craziness, it helped having alot going on in the house while I waited. And waited.
Then, at 12:30pm, I got an email from our audiologist. The email started explaining how they wanted to do one more audiogram on Christian, because the last one that we had at Hopkins showed worse responses than what we got from our private audiologists. She then explained a bit more about what they wanted us to do about high frequency access for him.
Then it said "And you can expect an early summer surgery date".
Whoa. Did that just happen?
After calling my husband, frantically trying to reach my Mom, emailing another Mommy of a CI kiddo, emailing my EI team, and talking out the email over Gmail chat with one of my best girlfriends, I decided I needed to write our Hopkins audiologist back. I asked her to clarify a couple of things. I asked her to confirm that they did indeed, see Christian as a candidate in his right ear. (By the way, this all happened in like 10 minutes).
She wrote me back.
THEY DO SEE HIM AS A CANDIDATE. We'll probably have a surgery date after this next audiogram.
So, after a little bit of crying, a little bit shock, and a little bit more anxiety, I sat down and let it all sink in.
During all of this, being the multitasker that I am, I was opening mail. I received a letter from the Archdiocese, and when I opened it, one single ticket to the Holy Father's mass fell out. It was a complete surprise. While I have been eagerly anticipating Pope Benedict XVI's visit here to DC, I wasn't able to secure tickets to the Mass.
A chill immediately fell over me, and tears ran down my face. I knew that there was a reason that I received the news about Christian at the same time that I received the letter with the Papal Mass ticket. I truly believe that this was God's way of telling me "I've been listening to you. I hear your prayers. I will take care of you and your family. And I will give you an answer". This was a very treasured, very beautiful, love letter from God.
Christina has a great deal of FAITH. Nowadays, FAITH is just not an easy thing to grasp. With all of the violence, hatred, disease and devastation in the world, many people have difficulty accepting that there is a God watching over us.
I believe in God and Angels...maybe too much. Perhaps when we are in the greatest moments of indecision, difficulty or change we are more susceptible to signs, bizarre dreams and "love letters." Some people accept these signs, while others reject them, I believe all of that depends on your FAITH.
When Jordan was diagnosed, I never prayed to God to ask that he be "healed" or "fixed." I prayed every single night for the strength to be a good mother, really, every single night. I never once questioned the fact that he was born deaf, I believed that he was given to me for a reason. I have been truly blessed. Maybe my FAITH led to this bizarre experience...
I was in that kind of haze where you wake up too early in the morning and fall back asleep, a light sleep. I had a dream that a white dove flew down, held my hand and pulled me up to this bright light. I entered the light and felt this unbelievable peace throughout my body, peace and complete happiness. My body floated back down to the ground and I woke up. Some people talk about near-death experiences, going into the light and feeling the same sensations. I have never felt such a sensation of peace and tranquility as I did after that dream. I honestly felt like I was being given a gift and a sign that we were doing the right thing with Jordan. For one brief moment during that traumatic period, I could see that Jordan would be okay. And, I felt blessed.
There has been a thread on the Pediatric Cochlear Implant Circle that touched me just like Rachel's Blog "My Mom Sat on Me" affected me. Every single mom goes through difficult periods trying to raise a deaf child, especially when that child is intelligent, willful and stubborn as hell. I have done things that are not pretty, including on sitting on my child to make him take a vaccine and wear his cochlear implant processor...more than once. Jordan has been compared to other deaf kids and found lacking, which directly translated into the fact that I was lacking as a mother. Our speech therapists constantly told me to work more, do more, spend more time at home doing lessons, etc. So, what do you do when you're ready to pull your hair out and plain old give up? You pray and have FAITH. And...having FAITH means finding the strength in yourself to make the tough decisions and fight the neverending battles.