Honey

Today is the LAST of the Italian holidays, and tomorrow my kids go back to school. Their bedtime has been progressively prolonged, so last night we watched a Jackie Chan film until about 1 am until I got a text message that the Blues Brothers were on, so I told Sofia and Jordan, "Time to go to bed!" We were all in bed together and I just didn't have the energy to ship them out to their islands, so Sofia decided to sleep at the foot of the bed and Jordan flat out begged to watch the Blues Brothers after having taken off his ear. After evaluating the risk of dealing with a tired Jordan today, I gave him back his ear and we hung out watching The Blues Brothers together. Don't want to scandalize anyone, but it was my first time watching it...amazing- especially with Jordan dancing next to me. We hit the sheets at about 3 and I'm writing this in a megastateofcoma.

Obviously the first thing I do when I wake up is not go brush my teeth, get dressed or eat breakfast, but check my emails and I was not disappointed this moring. Got two of the most remarkable letters from two remarkable people, who I would have never expected to receive emails from...so, thank you- really- so much.

Today, I would like to talk about E*G*O.

A person's ego is responsible for 99% of the pain in his life and the life of his kids. The size of an ego varies depending on your childhood, profession, family life, amount of money you possess, etc. By introducing yourself to your ego and becoming aware that it is responsible for your temper tantrums, road rage, level of generosity and capacity to love...you learn how to have conversations with your heart.

Once upon a time I called a man "Honey" in the middle of a volleyball game against a team of Jewish Russian men. The entire team of Russian men began calling this man "Honey." Now a man with a super-huge ego would have 1. Told me to shut the hell up or 2. Taken on the Russian men for calling him "Honey". Instead, we wiped their asses off the floor and went home together laughing.

Having now experienced a separation, I can pretty much say that the majority of separations are nasty because the parties involved are so busy trying to destroy each other that in the end, they destroy the kids..for what? An extra couple of hundred dollars a month?

I changed my name back to Jodi Michelle Cutler.

In a previous blog post, I said I wouldn't do that, but I changed my mind. The name change thing makes me feel extremely vulnerable, yet at the same time I don't mind the vulnerability. I'm no longer a Del Dottore, my kids are- and I love that- but I'm not. The Del Dottore name enriched me, so I'm taking all that I lived, learned and loved for the past thirteen years and I'm placing it in the Cutler Bank.

Your ego is that barbed-wire fence surrounding your heart. It protects you from pain and suffering, but it limits your ability to grow. I would like to grow some more.

image c/o rollingstone.com

Cracker Jacks

I smiled at a man.

I had a conversation with this man for twenty-five minutes.

He spoke for twenty of the twenty-five minutes and told me that if he were to give me a Native American name it would be "Heart that Smiles".

He told me I was the type of person who smiles even when suffering, and he asked me which of my parents passed down that trait to me. I said, "My Grandfather."
My heart moved.

He then told me about his father who had passed away recently. But he didn't just talk about his father, he relived a moment they had shared together with me.

Between us was a computer, it was a business meeting.

He turned the computer towards me and showed me pictures of his Tuscan villa, where he lives with his companion and dogs.

Every single thing this man said, came with a thirty second story that left me feeling...something. Something like a mixture of popcorn, cotton candy, cracker jacks and hot chocolate.

He said, "Jodi, tell me something about Jodi."

I said, "I have a 13 year old son named Jordan who is Deaf, and everything I do is based on how the experience of raising him has enriched me. I have the opportunity to help a lot of people." Then, I explained the projects I'm working on here in Italy.

I have to admit, I kind of liked and was proud of that description of Jodi, especially because it evolved from Jordan.

His face got serious and he said, "Jodi, I'd like to help you."

More gushy feeling inside.

Shit.

It's easy being a rock when people don't touch the soft places.

Yesterday, we told our kids that they now have two houses, we took them to see their new house, explained the new rules and watched in amazement as they rolled with it.

Yesterday, I received an email from this man and I can't explain it, I don't understand it, but it came at just the right time. He ended his email to me with this Hindu Proverb:

Le sourire que tu envoies revient vers toi.

*The smile that you send comes back to you*

Snowing Wishes

Every single day we make requests of our kids that go above and beyond that of other hearing children. We ask them to take responsibility for their disability. Society asks them to take responsibility for their disability and we do the best we can to assist and protect them. We try to give them the tools necessary to live the best life possible. We, as parents, teach them life's lessons every single day, and that which we do not teach them, they learn by experience- both positive and negative.

That learning process never ends.

Today, I walked outside for a breath of fresh air- necessary...and it was snowing these...

This year I plan on learning how to change a lightbulb, independently- and I mean that in the most figurative way imaginable...

With Love, From Tuscany: Happy New Year!!!

 

This was Sofia Madyson 7 years ago. Today she learned how to ride a bike and knocked out an old woman who should have been watching where she was going. Seven years ago I was in agony screaming for her to come out (no epidurals in this town), and when she finally, finally did- I watched fireworks from my hospital room together with three other new moms and their babies. I held my baby girl in my arms and wished for her to be strong, intelligent, honest, hard-working, affectionate and hearing.

At that time, Jordan was angry, frustrated and never hugged or kissed anyone. I wanted Sofia to take that pressure off of him so that the family would have someone capable of showing the love to them that they so desperately wanted to receive from Jordan.

Sofia's job in life was to give love, I never told her that, but she does just that every single day of her life. And now...so does Jordan.

2009 was an explosive year. I predict the atomic bomb here in 2010.
My New Year's Resolutions are:

In constant evolution.

Thank you so much for the love and support you have given me all throughout 2009, I'll probably need twice as much in 2010.

*Smile*

 

The Sunflower

No one prepares us to be parents, you can babysit your life away, change 5000 diapers and be the teacher of the year- but when you hold your own child for the first time, the world changes. When you become a wife and a mother within four months time, you try so hard to satisfy both new elements that you get lost. No one prepares you to be a wife, especially when you are the child of divorced parents.

So, you stumble along trying to do the best you can, because all you feel is love and sleep-deprivation. Then, slam, just when you see the light and have it all just about balanced, your road is chosen for you and you follow it. The road takes over and dictates and dominates until it swallows you completely.

You hug curves, drop your stomach at the dips, do 200 mph in a 25 mph zone or 25mph on the highway- it's all about the road. Until one day you find traintracks along the road, so you stop. And in that one moment, that one fleeting moment, you spy a teeny, tiny sunflower by the side of the road and you are dying to get out of that car that you have been sitting in - always in the driver's seat- not to pick the flower...just to smell it.

So I did.

Snowflakes and Frozen Hot Chocolate

Jordan: Mom, your cheeks look fat.
Me: (shoving chocolate-covered fruitcake in my mouth) Really?

Well, this holiday season I learned a lot. I learned that I'm okay. I learned that I must be a nerd, because I played chess for the first time in 38 years and I LOVED IT!!! Jordan still hasn't beaten me yet, but it's coming. And Sofia, almost 7 year old Sofia understands chess. That completely floored me. I have nerd kids. I'll learn to accept that as long as I can keep playing chess.

Is there anything more pathetic than watching sappy love stories on Christmas- the kind that talk about that unrealistic fall-in-love destiny shit that makes you get all tingly inside? Well, there we were watching that feel-good stuff about to pass out from having eaten too much... when in the end- girl found boy who was licking snowflakes. Okay, I admit it, I smiled-I'm such a sucker.

Tonight I had dinner with my girlfriend who told me something her grandfather continuously tells her, "Una donna non deve essere bella, deve essere furba." "A woman doesn't have to be beautiful, she has to be intelligent in a sly way." I think it's a survival of the fittest tactic that one learns only after smashing one's face against the wall only so many times.

But if you employ that tactic, can you still truly live the frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity and do you have to keep your tongue in your mouth at the sight of a snowflake?

I will sacrifice my face for a snowflake any day.

Santa in the House...Merry XMAS to ALL!!