With Love, From Tuscany: Happy New Year!!!

 

This was Sofia Madyson 7 years ago. Today she learned how to ride a bike and knocked out an old woman who should have been watching where she was going. Seven years ago I was in agony screaming for her to come out (no epidurals in this town), and when she finally, finally did- I watched fireworks from my hospital room together with three other new moms and their babies. I held my baby girl in my arms and wished for her to be strong, intelligent, honest, hard-working, affectionate and hearing.

At that time, Jordan was angry, frustrated and never hugged or kissed anyone. I wanted Sofia to take that pressure off of him so that the family would have someone capable of showing the love to them that they so desperately wanted to receive from Jordan.

Sofia's job in life was to give love, I never told her that, but she does just that every single day of her life. And now...so does Jordan.

2009 was an explosive year. I predict the atomic bomb here in 2010.
My New Year's Resolutions are:

In constant evolution.

Thank you so much for the love and support you have given me all throughout 2009, I'll probably need twice as much in 2010.

*Smile*

 

The Sunflower

No one prepares us to be parents, you can babysit your life away, change 5000 diapers and be the teacher of the year- but when you hold your own child for the first time, the world changes. When you become a wife and a mother within four months time, you try so hard to satisfy both new elements that you get lost. No one prepares you to be a wife, especially when you are the child of divorced parents.

So, you stumble along trying to do the best you can, because all you feel is love and sleep-deprivation. Then, slam, just when you see the light and have it all just about balanced, your road is chosen for you and you follow it. The road takes over and dictates and dominates until it swallows you completely.

You hug curves, drop your stomach at the dips, do 200 mph in a 25 mph zone or 25mph on the highway- it's all about the road. Until one day you find traintracks along the road, so you stop. And in that one moment, that one fleeting moment, you spy a teeny, tiny sunflower by the side of the road and you are dying to get out of that car that you have been sitting in - always in the driver's seat- not to pick the flower...just to smell it.

So I did.

Snowflakes and Frozen Hot Chocolate

Jordan: Mom, your cheeks look fat.
Me: (shoving chocolate-covered fruitcake in my mouth) Really?

Well, this holiday season I learned a lot. I learned that I'm okay. I learned that I must be a nerd, because I played chess for the first time in 38 years and I LOVED IT!!! Jordan still hasn't beaten me yet, but it's coming. And Sofia, almost 7 year old Sofia understands chess. That completely floored me. I have nerd kids. I'll learn to accept that as long as I can keep playing chess.

Is there anything more pathetic than watching sappy love stories on Christmas- the kind that talk about that unrealistic fall-in-love destiny shit that makes you get all tingly inside? Well, there we were watching that feel-good stuff about to pass out from having eaten too much... when in the end- girl found boy who was licking snowflakes. Okay, I admit it, I smiled-I'm such a sucker.

Tonight I had dinner with my girlfriend who told me something her grandfather continuously tells her, "Una donna non deve essere bella, deve essere furba." "A woman doesn't have to be beautiful, she has to be intelligent in a sly way." I think it's a survival of the fittest tactic that one learns only after smashing one's face against the wall only so many times.

But if you employ that tactic, can you still truly live the frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity and do you have to keep your tongue in your mouth at the sight of a snowflake?

I will sacrifice my face for a snowflake any day.

Santa in the House...Merry XMAS to ALL!!

 

 

 

 

 

Jingle Balls

1. Today I got reamed out by a family member.

1a. I unleashed my own tongue.

2. I sent a text message to the wrong person (something like this, but more red-light district): "He really likes you"- it was meant for my girlfriend and I sent it to my guyfriend.

2a. I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time.

3. I received three emails that made my day.

3a. I hope that I made at least one person's day.

4. My kids are home for the holidays.

4a. It's 11,17 pm. here- Jordan's chatting on the computer and Sofia's playing Nintendo DS- I can't make them go to bed, they are so damn cute laying in my bed without having to stress about school, dreaming of Santa Claus and freedom.

5. I have this one friend from college who made my life hell in the most hilarious way possible. She left me a comment on fb, and I started laughing out loud.

5a. Sofia asked me about her and I explained that I hung her grandma underpants on the walls of the AEPhi house. Sofia smiled.

6. Sofia asked me if I would be working on the computer on Sunday. I said yes. She said, "I'll never get to use it."

6a. While helping Sofia take off her four shirts, because she decided she needed to be her own fashion consultant after school, she threw a hissy fit. I had to use my "Don't mess with your mamma" voice and I said, "Sofia, you are such a lunatic!" She replied, "Mommy, you are a spoiled brat. I'm gonna kick your ass."

6b. Ok. I may call my child a spoiled brat, but I have NEVER told her I'm going to kick her ass. I cannot figure out where she heard that, probably my mom.

7. I'm going to Christmas lunch with Luca's family, because:

7a. Sofia's teachers told me they would never have known we were going through a separation, she's extremely normal, happy and hard-working. (I'm not convinced, but there's only one Sofia and she's in a class of 13, so it must be her they're talking about)

7b. Jordan brought home an interim report that for the first time shows dramatic improvement in every subject (except English *smile*) because Luca's been working really, really hard with him.

7c. A comment was made that my kids wouldn't care if I were there or not, because they were only interested in the Christmas presents anyway.

Luca and I did not raise our kids to be only interested in presents, and I certainly did not decide to celebrate Christmas with his family despite the fact that I am Jewish every single year I've lived in this country for the presents. And I will not be sending my kids who are in the middle of a fairly mature separation to Christmas lunch without their mother.

Families come in many shapes and sizes. I don't love a family for thirteen years and suddenly stop. And my kids don't go to Christmas lunch for thirteen years with their mother, father and everyone they love surrounding them to suddenly look up and find their mother missing at the table. Not on my shift.

8. Twelve years ago, at my most desperate moment in finding out about Jordan's Deafness in Italian, when I was searching for a lifeline in English...I found the John Tracy Clinic. They helped me by email through Jordan's temper tantrums. I began attempting to write during that period, for the first time in my life. I sent something I wrote to Judy Blume. By miracle, she wrote me back and said, "Your writing reflects that you obviously know children. Concentrate on that and keep working on it." She sent me light during my darkest hour.

8a. My hope is that the past three years have taught me something about what it means to be a woman...not just any kind of woman- a Mother-Woman.

First, I struggled within my own head to figure it all out. Then, I reflected...deeply. Now, I know exactly who I am-

an American flag swimming naked in a sea of Nutella.

Christmas Balls

Sofia's running around giving orders, Jordan just gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me I should change my style because my face is full of glitter. I itched my eyes and it kind of got everywhere. Perhaps, I'll try the boob scarf...click here for other innovative and stylish suggestions.

I'm bored out of my mind and have no idea what to do with it or myself. It's the pre-Christmas vacation-let it get here- and then be gone- limbo. I would flat out like to pick up and leave, escape, run. Oh God, my kids are arguing about the fact that Sofia is a blabbermouth.
Sofia said, "Jordan, Be quiet and don't tell lies!"
Jordan said, "Sofia, when Mamma and I talk in front of you about grown up things, shut your mouth and don't blab it to the world!"
Jordan just walked up to me and said, "Sofia just called me stupid."

My daughter is an out of control nightmare. LOVE HER!
Every now and then, Jordan looks at her, points and starts cracking up. LOVE HIM!

Thank God for my kids. They tell it like it is.
The most beautiful thing about kids is that they absolutely can not be hypocrites.

If your ass is saggy:-)- they will TELL YOU!!
If you're in a pissy mood, they say, "I think you need to relax."
Sofia Madyson: "Mommy, why is that little girl black, did she get a lot of bruises?" (welcome to Italy)
Jordan, "Mamma, my teacher has the worst breath!"

As much as they embarrass you and they do mortally embarrass you- their cold, hard honesty sparks that flush that flies to your face and fires up your toes. THEY ARE REAL.

I can't decide whether or not to go to Christmas lunch with my ex-inlaws or stay home, curl up in bed and read a book.

Sometimes, this...

chanced.freeblog.hu
Just isn't worth this...


However, my main concern is this...

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Soup IS Good Food...for the Soul

I'm always amazed when I see elementary school students coloring their pictures upside-down. As a child, it would have never occurred to me to turn the picture around and start from the bottom only to work my way up. Once, I found a drill, during the time I was a fifth grade teacher, that suggested having the kids lay down on the floor, tape the paper to the bottom of the desk, take off their shoes and color with their toes. LOVED THAT! My classroom smelled like stinky fifth grade toe-cheese, but they had the best time.

A friend of mine who has been through prostate cancer, losing his job, loan issues, and being left by his wife with two kids, has decided to sell his house to buy a smaller one and pay off bills to be able to L*I*V*E. (I love you)

Sometimes we're so stuck in a rutt that we forget we have the ability to be our own change. Sometimes, after struggling in that rutt, weighing all of the options, playing the victim or trying to save everyone else's world, we realize that if we save our own world...everything else will fall into place.

WE...TAKE...CONTROL.

And I assure all of you...sometimes there is more freedom in a 95 cent can of chicken noodle soup than in a 40 dollar lobster dinner.



Images c/o ugly-christmas-trees.com; oneyearbibleblog.com