This, I think, has quite possibly been one of the longest days of my life. The only thing that keeps running through my head, though, is what one of my students said to me a couple of days ago. This adorable four year old who screams the words to the thousand songs we sing in English said, "Jodi, Jodi, guess what I saw yesterday...I saw the sun fall into the sea!" You should have seen his face...kids have such a way of simplifying the world.
So many people have written asking how I am, and when I answered one mother with this letter, she responded in such a way that I understood that I am not the only one who has gone through this exact same situation. As personal and difficult as all this is, I'm posting it, so maybe it will help someone else know how to go about this being a mom to a child with a disability thing...and what to avoid, so you don't find yourself where I am at this very moment...
Dear Anonymous Mom,
First of all you know that I already love you and your letter made me love you even more. Thank you so much for taking the time to ask, I really appreciate it.
I've been kind of changing and growing since I found the Ci Circle and started blogging about a lot of the shit we went through during the really difficult years with Jordan. As I've said it's all been a cathartic experience for me and helped me find myself when I had been lost for a long time. I started growing and Luca didn't come with me even though I tried to give him signs to come along. I know that my husband loves me totally and is in love with me, but I don't have that in love feeling anymore. I feel really out of place here and everything about my life is in limbo. I work from 9-8, blog and when I have time add to the support groups, I am not doing anything I want to be doing except blogging and reading the support groups. I have lost touch with my kids because I have had to work so much and during this away time, I have been becoming aware of who I am maybe for the first time in my life.
As a kid, I tried to help my parents and be the bureaucrat of the family, then we got married and one year later found out about Jordan's deafness, so I rolled up my sleeves and became Jordan's mom...I went through it alone. Yes, my husband was there being a good father, but he did not help me during a time when I didn't know the language and struggled. I think I have a lot of resentment, but I don't blame him. So, after so many years of doing for others, along comes the cochlear implant and allows Jordan to become independent, so he doesn't need me anymore to such a great extent. This newfound freedom and the book allowed me to become me for the first time in my life. I feel really strong right now as sad as I am... and I need to figure out if the new person I am wants to be with the man I married twelve years ago.
I started growing and he woke up a little too late. We are both really good people and I love him so much, but not that in love love.
He looks at me with passion and realizes that I don't have it and it is killing both of us. We have been seeing an amazing psychologist for the past month who is really helping both of us, but I'm behind in being able to make that choice again that I made twelve years ago, because I am a different person now than I was then. Basically, I'm being selfish. I have NEVER been selfish in my life, but I need to figure out who I am and what I see my life as twenty years from now. And it is not easy knowing that I will never find another man like my husband because he is the total package. Anonymous Mom, we haven't fought in twelve years...that is the problem. We were so good at giving each other space that we got lost, at least I did.
It's not easy, maybe now that he left to give me space, I can get my head together.
As a side note...after I discussed the changes that were going on in our home with Jordan, he asked if it would be okay if he and Sofia could live in two separate houses. Unbelievable.