Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Raw



I posted a Note on Facebook called "Be Honest" that another mom tagged me in...and my friend left a comment ((((((JODI)))))), so I was like, "God, what did I write!!!??? So, I went back and read it again and got all teary-eyed. Unbeknownst to me, I was raw. I am like a living open wound..which got me to thinking.

I found out Jordan was deaf and put up a wall. Actually there was kind of a built in protective wall because everyone around me spoke Italian and I didn't know a lick of it. Not being able to speak to the people around me about my child isolated us from the rest of the world and let me deal with my emotions alone as those around me dealt with theirs. Every now and then, the playground scene with the little kid pointing at Jordan's hearing aids immediately followed by the mom saying, "Shhhhh!, Don't say anything.." would poke a hole in my finely constructed igloo.

I'm not like that now..I'm kind of barriers down, smash me if you want. But that's okay. I feel a lot more and live a lot more honestly with myself and my kids. Everyone handles things differently at different points in their lives. We all get colds, but there's the person who stays home from work, the person who over-medicates, and the person who works overtime.

Sofia steals my lipgloss and jewelry all the time, so that I can NEVER find ANYTHING I need. Today, I went downstairs to do homework with her and in her hand was the coolest shade of lipstick I've ever seen. She gave it to me and we applied. It was like receiving an unexpected gift in the mail- same emotion. No idea where it came from, it wasn't mine-I only do lipgloss...

After homework, she ran across the street- after looking both ways *smile* to see if her friend could play. She couldn't, so Sofia ran back home...*after looking both ways* and sat down next to me. There happened to be a blue piece of chalk on the sidewalk next to us- one that my dog from hell didn't eat- so she smashed it up and started rubbing it into the cement so that both of her hands were blue. She then proceeded to rub me. SOFIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! "Mommy, I want to play 'blue hands'"!

*Give me strength*

We have been taught since youth to always look both ways. I have spent so much energy looking both ways before crossing that street that I almost missed what was right in front of me.

3 comments:

kim said...

Oooooo! Great post! Have been there in a different way, but I can so relate. I kept a lot of my emotions in when I was younger. Was raised to keep a stiff upper lip. I was a hearing impaired teen. No one understood. I didn't want to talk about it. Then when I started talking about it in my forties it was as if the flood gates were let loose. I probably talked too much about it. I blog now, so I can get it off my chest without boring all my friends to death with the latest hearing aid trial woes.

I've had two friends who stuck through the thick and thin of it. It's probably no coincidence that both have experienced similar isolating medical issues.

You're right. We all deal with things differently. I love reading your posts because of your raw honesty.

Debbie said...

Go Jodi Go! This is a great one. I truly know what you mean. As Amelia is getting bigger, her challenges are becoming more evident to lookey-loos. As a baby, her lack of head control and constant drooling was pardoned by her babyness, but as an almost 4 year old -- her non-verbal, non-ambulatory and weak head control is more obvious.

Last fall I had taken Amelia to the park with a Gait Trainer I had borrowed from UCP. We were trying desperately to give her a sense of moving around, upright, on her own. We live in a 600 sq. ft. apt, so the only place to really work on this is in the park. A little boy was there with his Grandparents:

Boy: "Why is she in that, Grandma?"
Grandma: "Because her muscles are weak and her back isn't strong."

I know she had to tell him that, but I also cringed.

I too, am a work-in-progress. Thank you for sharing such an intimate thing with us.

Jodi Cutler Del Dottore said...

Thank you so much..I know both of you have lived and are still living experiences that either wipe you out or make you stronger. Depends on the moment- sometimes we're up and sometimes we're out. A lot of the moodswings depend on the people around us and it's a beautiful thing when they're there to help...Love you both