Sunday, October 9, 2011
40 is approaching quickly and the number just seems like maybe I should have my life enough together at this point to not need to shove something stinky in my mouth everytime a crisis presents itself.
Every now and then I go for a massage to a woman named Rossana, who helps people quit smoking using acupuncture and other such remedies. She said one thing to me about a month ago that really hit me. She said that "Smoking a cigarette is like looking for the nipple and breast milk. You pick up a cigarette when you feel alone."
I started smoking a month after Jordan was diagnosed. I quit when I found out I was pregnant with Sofia, and I started again when I stopped breastfeeding.
It bothers me- that association between feeling alone and starting smoking when I found out Jordan was deaf.
I felt totally alone.
But I certainly wouldn't want to smoke the rest of my life because Jordan was diagnosed as deaf and I couldn't cope with that fact as a responsible, mature adult.
I chose to quit. I don't feel as alone now as I did years ago and I probably have more stress now than I did then, but it's my stress. And I handle it alone.
My kids by my side...
I experienced a strange sensation about a week ago.
It was an inkling of a sensation.
And I can't be totally sure, but if I had to guess, I believe it was "serenity".
Every year people send me New Year's wishes and they always wish me a serene New Year. That has always bothered me, I want crazy, insane, dance in the hail stuff for my New Year!
However, that sensation that I believe was a piece of serenity...made me want to wish for more.
And so, my feet move forward, my children hold my hands....and I await the next chapter in our Book of Life