Monday, September 6, 2010

Inside Out....Outside In

I have spent the past three years on the inside trying to look out and now I find myself on the outside looking in. This may make no sense at all to you, but it does to me. And it's a good place to be.
So, I've been reading "The Secret" and there's a part where it says something like "If you don't fulfill yourself, you will have nothing to give to others." And this is so true. For eleven years, I stopped existing, there was just no time to discover myself, fulfill myself and shop for myself.
I threw myself into my kids- teaching Jordan to speak, ate nutella by the spoonful and shopped for Sofia Madyson because suddenly the world was pink.

I believe that one morning- I woke up, the cause for the sudden wake up is irrelevant, and felt empty. Jordan could speak, Sofia chose her own clothes and nutella wasn't working for I had to self-discover. I discovered music, pilates and support groups. I discovered blogging, international associations, and other moms like me. It was like I woke up back in high school and had to go to the University (of life) again, only this time as a mom.

Only this time as a MOM.

I went to visit my friend in Florence this weekend and she took me to Flo- an outdoor nightclub-bar-disco thing. Meat market. Hilarious. I had the best time hanging out, talking, drinking and yes, I danced- pulled a leg muscle and had toe cramps the rest of the night, but I danced. At a certain point my friend started talking to a guy, who was a thirty year old stone worker. Adorable guy. He guessed that I was thirty-two years old (Saint that he was) and asked me what I did. I told him and said I had two kids. He could have been my child, not because of his age, but because between his life experiences and mine..oceans, oceans of oceans apart.

But it was okay. I saw myself from the outside and the places I lived as a crazy college girl flashed before my eyes on the inside. I just wouldn't want to go back. I don't feel like I never lived life, and I no longer feel empty. I feel like a woman who is so happy just to spend time with my kids, read a good book, hit the cube for some quality exercise every now and then, hang out with my girlfriends and guyfriends...and dive into my job.

Plans...I have plans.


thehecticeclecticgirl said...

it's good to feel ok isn't it? Not just happy, but really at peace with who and where you are in your life. I finally feel that way more days than not, and that feels like a success to me! I don't mean I don't have other ambitions, or goals - I do, but I'm comfortable with ME now.

Glad you're doing well.

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Unknown said...

Thank you hecticeclecticgirl:-) Back at ya:-))