Rich

Bedtime.
Del Dottore house...

Sofia- Mamma, tell me a story...
Mamma- Once upon a time, there was a really curly little girl who was so beautiful that when she walked outside the sun hid behind the clouds and with such a generous heart that the flowers bowed their heads when she danced by. Then, one day, that little curly-haired girl was feeling blue. So, when she walked outside the sun shone as brightly as it possibly could and the flowers started emitting fragrances that Chanel could only dream of re-creating until that little girl with her first missing tooth smiled a smile so dazzling that the world began to breathe again.
Sofia- Moooooooooooooom....short story!!!
She grabbed her fairy doll, rolled over, smiled and thought of the tooth fairy until her stomach began rising and falling.

Jordan- Hey Ma, can you come lay down with me for a while?
Mamma- On my way.
Total Darkness...
Jordan- Mamma, is Dad taking me to school tomorrow.
(Me thinking to myself, how do I answer that if he can't hear me or read my lips in the dark? So I sit in silence and contemplate as I hold his hand)
Jordan- Ma, if the answer is yes, move your hand up and down like this!
Mamma- (moving hand up and down)
Jordan- Yes?
Mamma- (moving hand up and down)
Jordan- Do I have to take the bus tomorrow?
Mamma- (moving hand left to right)
Jordan- (Laughs) Are you taking Sofia to school?
Mamma- (moving hand up and down)
Jordan- What time?
Mamma- (perplexed)
Jordan- I'll hold your hand and count, stop me when it's the right time.
Mamma- (moving hand up and down eight times for eight o'clock)
Jordan- 8 o'clock?
Mamma- (moving hand up and down)
And smiling...

360°

This post is an act of desperation and self-motivation.
My stress level, I swear, has never been as high as it is in this very moment. I usually have no problem juggling 5000 different things, but when you start having emotional trauma, it gets a little difficult.

I have to hear things like "Think of your kids!" "Who's paying you for what you're doing and the time it's taking from the kids?" THINK OF YOUR KIDS!

I will say this: In every single thing I do, I think of my kids. I think that I DO NOT want them to grow up with a provincial mentality even though they live in a town with just that. I want them to know that God gave them intelligence and the possibility to live that intelligence with compassion. When you are able to combine intelligence with compassion, it your responsibility to do something to help the next. I want them to understand and appreciate the fact that wealth is not only to be calculated by what is in your bank account, but that each and every one of us, based on experiences lived, begins accumulating personal wealth...and sometimes that interior richness far outweighs the possibility of buying a hot dress to feel good about yourself for two hours.

There will come a time when my kids will grow and begin seeing me as an individual- not just as a mom. They will look at me and judge me. They will have many questions that I will answer- they will either like my answers or not. Maybe one day they'll read my blog and be shocked that the woman wiping their butts, cooking and cleaning actually had thoughts, dreams and ambitions of her own.

Who knows whether they will admire me or resent me. I only know that I will continue giving them a view of the world at 360°, so that they will have a greater possibility of choosing their direction...on whichever island they may land.

Through Your Eyes...

Quite possibly the heaviest material I've ever seen. I will comment on this video from a psychological perspective and not in regard to the issue of the "cochlear implant fix"...we've already over-debated the subject. The video gave me a profound sensitivity check in regard to how my blog may be viewed and perceived by members of the Deaf Community. I write to inform and provide resources through my experiences with my son. Having seen this, I can appreciate how the material I write can be offensive- the photo of the doctors with the thumbs up was horrifying. The picture of the surgery...disturbing.

Very thought-provoking video.

Reflections...

My sister used to say to me, "You sound just like Mom!" or "That's something Dad would say!"..."Don't you know who you are, can't you say something that Jodi would say?" Used to piss me off, can't tell you how much. Because I would ask myself if it were really true that I had no self-identity. Was I really just a reproduction of those around me, did I really have no self-identity to call my own?

I spent eleven years taking care of my child, teaching him and giving him a voice. That was my only role. I got lost in a provincial town with provincial minds and limited vision. My small town places the family at the center of its soul and any deviation makes you an outsider or different. I put this town on the map in so many ways and in the end, this closed mentality could potentially destroy me...if I let it.

Funny thing about taking on your husband's name, it takes away all that you created pre-marriage. Names are so important. In Italy, women do not take on the name of their husbands, so I changed the name for nothing. I was so excited to be married and be a part of Luca that I sprinted to the records office to become Mrs. Del Dottore. In a snap, I was a new woman. I went from being the Jodi who mimicked mom and dad to Luca's wife and Jordan's mom...blink of an eye and I MADE THAT CHOICE.

I have not one regret.

I only know that somewhere along the line, I found out who Jodi was and suddenly all my names came together. I'm proud that my last name is Del Dottore- that name stands for thirteen years of sunflowers, audiological visits, labor pains, grilled chicken salads, bed and breakfasts, fighting with doctors, asserting myself as a mother, late night asthma attacks, guitar recitals, curls, tira mi su, frustration, faith, commitment and love and sofa-bed island. All of the shared experiences helped me discover the me I am and when I look in the mirror...
I
look
myself
straight
in
the
eyes...
and smile.
Although depending on the moment...I may even cry.

Cooked!

*Smile*

My eyeballs are falling out of my head from smashing my face in the computer screen the past four days. I can't sleep because I keep going over things in my brain- every once in a while I laugh at myself..totally normal.

Today, Jordan came home from school and told me there's a boy bullying him...the same pain in the ass who has trouble in school and acts like a total delinquent. In the past, Jordan's classmates helped defend him, now I think he has that edge of maturity to defend himself. But he's obviously annoyed. I'm meeting with his support teacher on Friday...we'll discuss how to work on this. Having a support teacher in the classroom is not only extremely helpful for Jordan as she understands his needs in the classroom better than he does, but she is my direct line of communication to what goes on in the classroom. And to think there are parents who are too embarrassed to request assistance for their kids. Middle school is a touchy situation. Unfortunately, I can't just run in to save the day, because then he'll be made fun of for calling his mommy. Finding the right balance between letting him know I'm there, without actually being THERE is the goal.

Aside from the drama, the past four days there have been a minimum of six kids in my house and if you don't have Wii, I highly recommend it just so you can have the surreal experience of walking in on four kids smacking at the air with the remote controls.

Happy air-smackin' kids, productive Mamma.

Raw

I posted a Note on Facebook called "Be Honest" that another mom tagged me in...and my friend left a comment ((((((JODI)))))), so I was like, "God, what did I write!!!??? So, I went back and read it again and got all teary-eyed. Unbeknownst to me, I was raw. I am like a living open wound..which got me to thinking.

I found out Jordan was deaf and put up a wall. Actually there was kind of a built in protective wall because everyone around me spoke Italian and I didn't know a lick of it. Not being able to speak to the people around me about my child isolated us from the rest of the world and let me deal with my emotions alone as those around me dealt with theirs. Every now and then, the playground scene with the little kid pointing at Jordan's hearing aids immediately followed by the mom saying, "Shhhhh!, Don't say anything.." would poke a hole in my finely constructed igloo.

I'm not like that now..I'm kind of barriers down, smash me if you want. But that's okay. I feel a lot more and live a lot more honestly with myself and my kids. Everyone handles things differently at different points in their lives. We all get colds, but there's the person who stays home from work, the person who over-medicates, and the person who works overtime.

Sofia steals my lipgloss and jewelry all the time, so that I can NEVER find ANYTHING I need. Today, I went downstairs to do homework with her and in her hand was the coolest shade of lipstick I've ever seen. She gave it to me and we applied. It was like receiving an unexpected gift in the mail- same emotion. No idea where it came from, it wasn't mine-I only do lipgloss...

After homework, she ran across the street- after looking both ways *smile* to see if her friend could play. She couldn't, so Sofia ran back home...*after looking both ways* and sat down next to me. There happened to be a blue piece of chalk on the sidewalk next to us- one that my dog from hell didn't eat- so she smashed it up and started rubbing it into the cement so that both of her hands were blue. She then proceeded to rub me. SOFIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! "Mommy, I want to play 'blue hands'"!

*Give me strength*

We have been taught since youth to always look both ways. I have spent so much energy looking both ways before crossing that street that I almost missed what was right in front of me.

5 Minutes

In 5 minutes I can:

- fill my gas tank
- brush my teeth, wash my face, put in my contact lenses, throw my hair in a ponytail and apply lipgloss
- jam to Bob Marley on my ipod
- order a six-piece Chicken Nugget Happy Meal, pay and pick it up
- send an email to my best friend Julie
- walk my dog
- have a cappuccino
- pay a bill at the post office on a good day
- have a crepe with nutella
- reach one million children by speaking before 800 pediatricians.

*What would YOU say?*