Friday, April 30, 2010

Kissing 101

Once upon a time, in a land far, extremely far away, a prince spoke to a Queen as they were eating ice-cream under a shady tree. And this is what he said: "Queen Mother, I've decided to make love to a girl when my friends and I go away next week."

The Queen looked at her prince of a son quite taken aback and replied, "Prince, have you got a girlfriend that I know absolutely nothing about?"

The Prince said, "No, but all of my other friends have made love, so I would like to do the same."

The Queen said, "Start with a kiss."

The Prince pondered the idea and the Queen added, "Do you know how to kiss?"

The Prince opened his mouth wide, stuck out his tongue and made some strange jerky movements with it resembling a combination of a lizard and Happy Hippo hippo.

Note: The Queen and Prince were so deep into the conversation that they failed to notice that a silent Princess stood to the side observing.

The beautiful, wise, not-old-at-all Queen took a deep breath and said, "If you'd like, I will teach you how to kiss."

Shocked, the Prince replied, "You're going to kiss me with your tongue?"

Laughing, the Queen said, "No, I'm going to explain you the three kisses."

The Prince relaxed and said, "What do you mean three kisses?"

The Queen smiled and said,

"Kiss number one is actually two kisses, one on each cheek of a fair maiden that makes your hands sweat. If she smiles and doesn't break for the door after the two-cheek kiss, that means she thinks you're kind of cute.

Kiss number two occurs after you've chatted on the computer for about two months and sent some text messages, she asks you to help her with something very easy and obvious in royal school and she laughs at your jokes. Kiss number two is the meeting of the lips. You lightly touch your lips to hers, look her in the eyes and smile. If she doesn't look you back in the eyes, she may be ready for kiss number three. If she doesn't smack you across the face after kiss 2, you're making significant progress. If you can't look her in the eyes, you are definitely ready for kiss number three, but may not have the courage to actually go there.

Should you finally get up the courage and should the chatting online become more frequent, text messaging become overflowing with smiles, winks and the like and should you hear from her friends she thinks you're hot, you may ask her to be your girlfriend. After five months of kiss number 2, kiss number 3 may finally occur. Kiss number 3 involves the use of tongue. Not lizard, snake, hippo tongue, but soft lip kiss number 2 + gentle, exploring every-now-and-then tongue so that you don't look like two dogs happy to see each other. Lips, tongue and a lot of hugs."

The Prince smiled.

The Queen, sweating royally, smiled back.

The silently observing Princess said, "Mommy like this?" as she puckered up her little lips.


Julia said...

Hilarious! And terrifying -- I'm soooo glad we still have many years before I have to navigate such a conversation.

Paula said...

OMG, I give you so much credit for this! Loved the part about sweating, I can completely picture it! Discovered my princess has been kissing by bluffing knowingly. Hopefully yours will wait a few more years! Parenting through puberty seems to be the most difficult!