My friend Sonia, her daughter Federica, Sofia and I were hanging out in Jordan's room reviewing her multiplication tables. Sofia's innate ability for manipulating people and situations in her favor never ceases to amaze me, really. When she wants something, she has this tongue that psychologically attempts to destroy her prey, and she finds the solution to the problem. Multiplication tables are a bit different, either you know the solution...or you don't.
Problem number 1: Sofia would like to have a friend come over to play and my response is no. - "Mommy, can I call Chiara?" - "Jordan has a friend over and I don't." - "I finished all my homework." - "Don't you love your daughter?" - "You had a friend come over today, Mommy." - "If I have a friend over then you can do your work in peace."
Ok, Sofia, call Chiara.
Problem number 2: 4x7=?
- 27? - "I give up!"
I look at my daughter. She stares back at me waiting for me to give her the answer. I say, "WHO IN YOUR LIFE HAS EVER SAID THOSE WORDS TO YOU AND MAY THEY NEVER COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AGAIN!?" She continues staring. I turn red, "YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD THOSE WORDS COME OUT OF MY MOUTH, NOR WILL YOU EVER, BECAUSE THEY ARE WORSE THAN CURSE WORDS AND GROUNDS FOR AN IMMEDIATE WASHING OUT OF THE MOUTH WITH SOAP." She begins squirming. I say, "Today I worked, mowed the lawn, cleaned the house, ran four loads of laundry, had friends over for both you and Jordan and go to battle every single day because I must be able to shop for cute clothes for you, and you have the nerve to say I GIVE UP!?"
So, she turns to Sonia, who had been talking to her daughter during this tirade, and asks, "Sonia, what's 4x7?" Sonia replies, "28."
Sofia looks at me, smiles and smugly says,"I'm sorry Mommy, the answer's 28."
A facebook group with a main interest in disability posted a video in Italian- one of those feel-good videos where everyone regardless of disability or non-disability lives in peace, harmony and love and you get that gushy, mushy feeling inside...only no, I had a little bit of a problem with one of the lines.
You see, they portrayed people in wheelchairs, blind and yes, Deaf. To represent the Deaf they showed a picture of the alphabet in sign language with the following written on top: "And my voice is barely heard"
No no no no no no no
We live in the year 2010. Deaf individuals speak and I can assure you that their voices are not "Barely able to be heard".
Why are stereotypes of Deafness still represented by the sign language alphabet??????? Perhaps because that is how the media portrays Deafness? Is that really an appropriate image for a video portraying Deafness? What would be the perfect image or sentence that would cover it all?
Sometimes I seriously look around and wonder where the hell am I and what the hell am I doing here? I dropped Sofia at school nine minutes late this morning, but I still have my car injury collar on, so I can do anything and be forgiven. Then, I went to the bar for a cappuccino and croissant with marmelade with my girlfriend breakfast club and swiped the newspaper from the "boy" (six seventy year olds without teeth) breakfast club...with finesse.
We huddled over the paper, read the horoscope- I'm deep like that, and jumped when some woman dropped her glass that shattered all over the floor. Nothing new. However, when we walked outside to sit and talk a little more on the bench..there was this horrifying smell...
*Stew*
Someone was awake and cooking stew or something oniony at 8ofreakingclockinthemorning. I sat there digesting my sweet cappuccino to the stench of old woman cooking. THAT IS SO WRONG! I then tried to imagine any American I know cooking at 8 o'clock on a Wednesday morning...
*Impossible*
To make matters worse, I got in my car to head to my insurance company's office and as I passed a Tuscan field, I glanced to the right and saw an OLD WOMAN wearing a doo-rag bonnet lookin' thing, a skirt and an apron picking something from the ground. There was something about the skirt and apron combo that screamed ITALIAN. The American version would have been coveralls and a cool bandana with an iPod clearly visible.
*Where am I and WHERE ARE THE FREAKIN' DOLCE AND GABBANA BOYS?*
I went through a period where I would sit Indian-style on a bench in our court watching my kids play and there's this wooden fence that separates our court from the Tuscan hills- when they first built that fence, I thought it was the most beautiful fence.
I would gaze over those Tuscan hills, and I had this overwhelming urge to smash that fence.
Strangely, six months passed and one of the wooden logs in the three-tier fence fell down. I saw a minor break in the fence and took a deep breath. Those hills seemed closer.
Every six months another wooden log somehow fell down from that one spot, and now there is this gaping hole in the fence. Unbelievable. Between the gaping hole and the hills, there is a huge field and I know there are snakes. Terrifies me. Yet, I have this uncontrollable desire to get naked and break for the hills.
*Smile*
People ask me all the time if I'm planning on moving back to the States. No, I'm trapped in Tuscany. But, at the end of the day, trapped is a state of mind...and my mind is free.
Jordan plays soccer and hide-and-go-seek with his friends in that court, and Sofia Madyson rides her bike like a champ, round and round that court. And I sit on the bench and breathe.
Last night- I came home, threw on my pjs and a pair of socks- one purple and one grey- in bed by 8:30 pm. I am destroyed. It has been one of those steamrollin' weeks that knock you out and keep on rolling back and forth over your soul. I have finally found an equilibrium between work and kids, so the one night I have alone- I sleep:-)
I got a killer email from the Newborn Hearing Screening Congress, but I can't talk about that yet until it's finalized..just know that good things are on the way.
I have spent ninety-five percent of my blog complaining about being in limbo, but for the first time, I am enjoying the limbo mode, at least in regard to my personal life. I'm finding that separation is kind of like going through the death of a close loved one and there is a mourning period. Moments of sadness, despair, will I be able to pay the bills and is there life after separation strike at unwanted times, but my kids are so damn cute and full of life that I know something is working out okay.
I think I may almost be ready to be funny again, sexy is just not in the cards right now- especially with unmatching socks, but funny may be coming soon.
I was preparing for the ped courses on Valentine's Day with my fb page open and the chat popped up. It was a guy I went to elementary school with who told me he had done work in Early Intervention. He then told me that when we were in elementary school, he had a crush on me!!!! Me!!! I was like, really???? He said, yeah, an older woman!! Hahahahahaha. He then told me I was a triple threat.(???)I said, Um, what's a triple threat? He said, "Beautiful, smart and funny." I looked down at my sweatshirt, plaid pjs and black and blue unmatching socks and said, "Marry me." Hahahaha- okay, this sounds ridiculous for a thirty-eight year old woman to be vanting about a fb chat moment, but that chat, my friends, came at just the right moment:-)
Of course, that was about thirty years ago, but I consider him to be a very intelligent child-turned man.
Can you tell I've lost my mind this week???
Anyway, between cars, trains, powerpoints, hospitals and desperation, the fleeting moments that make you laugh out loud are to be appreciated.
Child moment:
Jordan: Sofia's calling Nonna Mamma: Sofia can call Nonna Jordan: Sofia called me idiot Sofia: Jordan called me fat Mamma: Go to bed.
My children are just so adorable. I bought Sofia new undershirts and socks because I can NEVER find a pair of matching socks in this house...apparently she stole the bag, took them to Luca's and hid them in the corner under her bed. Thank God they were found and will be re-delivered to this house, because tonight she is sleeping with one green sock and one fuscia sock- she is not too happy about that-I'm preparing her to become a woman just like her Mamma.
I'm still recovering. Yesterday was a very long day, and I think I'm kind of still analyzing all of it in my exhausted brain. First of all, the fact that the Tuscan Pediatricians committed to including the parental perspective in a two day course on newborn hearing screening is mindblowing to me and they gave me three hours- when does that happen in Italy? One course down...nine to go:-) My session was after they had already had four hours of intense lessons and lunch- the lunch bomb is serious- who wants to sit through another four hours of lessons on a full stomach when you're in the land of food coma?
And yet, they did...they sat through it all and even smiled.
I need to say this- I have great respect for the work Italian pediatricians do..I've been collaborating with mine for two years now- hard to believe. They work from 8 in the morning until 8 at night and every now and then manage to stop to eat lunch, I think. Then, every other weekend there's a conference here or there- which isn't so bad, because the conferences are in really nice places- from what I can see looking from the outside in- but it's still a major commitment. And, the pediatricians here, make housecalls. They're constantly dealing with neurotic, anxious mothers who call at the first blink of a fever and literally go house to house when they aren't in their medical office. Exhausting.
So, there I was - teaching a three hour course on all of our lives. Instead of beginning the course by speaking English like I did at the Congress, because there were some repeat attendees who had already experienced that show, I started with my favorite quote:
When facing a single tree, if you look at a single one of its red leaves, you will not see all the others. When the eye is not set on one leaf, and you face the tree with nothing at all in mind, any number of leaves are visible to the eye without limit. But if a single leaf holds the eye, it will be as if the remaining leaves were not there. (Takuan Soto) ...written in English. I made them repeat it twice, asked them if they understood the English, then said- "NEVERMIND"
and I went on to the next slide.
After two more slides I displayed the quote again, and made them repeat it aloud two more times. They weren't very enthusiastic, so I jumped up and down and was a cheerleader for a bit. They didn't quite get the meaning, so I said, "NEVERMIND"
I talked through two more slides on the role of parents in the process and projected the quote again, this time with a picture of a tree, a red leaf and an eye. I asked them to repeat it again. I asked them if that helped...associating a visual image with a message they could not understand. They said, "Yes." I said, "Good and NEVERMIND!"
Two more slides and the quote. I had them repeat it. They did, they were tired and frustrated.
I explained to them that for Jordan to understand and learn a word to the point that it became part of his vocabulary, I had to repeat that word at least a hundred times. That every day, Deaf individuals are told "Nevermind".
Then I showed them the quote in Italian. I explained to them that a parent dealing with a diagnosis of profound deafness only sees one red leaf, and that red leaf can be a symbol of guilt, desperation and impotence.
She does not see that tree with all of the possibilities.
I then presented them with the possibilities...
*And*
I gave them your children:
I started with a letter written by an Italian mom who complained that her pediatrician did not listen to her concerns, she took the matter into her own hands and went directly to an Audiologist who diagnosed her child with a profound hearing loss in fifteen days time. Her pediatrician then assisted them by attending the exams and researching the cochlear implant..he then became much more attentive when performing routine audiological assessments on all of his new patients. I introduced them to: Rachel Chaikof by showing them a video of her speaking French; Aiden, who ten months post activation ci can understand and say the parts of his face (adorable); Christian who steals m-n-ms during his AV Therapy with his mom and is a stinker Hailey...Hailey's mom sent me a video two years ago, where first she talks to Hailey without her hearing aids and you can really see how difficult it is and how frustrated Hailey gets when she can't hear..then, her mom gives her her hearing aids and we see her sign, speak and smile; I read them another Jordan's mom's letter about her son's meningitis and how the cochlear implant improved his life and added Rachel's speech- K.L.'s daughter, who became deaf as a result of meningitis and who learned sign and speech together; Val's kids and my kids were shown to say that it does not matter whether your kids are both deaf or not...the important thing is that they have a brother or sister to love and be loved by them; Lotte Sofi...whose parents are creative and involved and who educate at an international level; I read Christina's post about when she found out Lily was negative for the Connexin 26 gene; I showed two ci activation videos- one where a child smiles and another where she cries- reactions to hearing for the first time; And I told them our story and why it is so important to listen to parents, to provide the correct information and resources and that there are many approaches to deafness...
I showed them this video...
The important thing is to respect the family, realize that each family makes choices that are most appropriate based on the needs of that family and that a collaboration between pediatricians and parents is extremely effective.
I wore a black dress, pin-striped pantyhose and shiny black boots... Felt like a rockin' nun!
I don't think my mom remembers this, but I do. As a single mom, she was always working, talking on the phone for business and busy doing what she needed to do. I was just being a child, following the weekly routine of two nights a week at my dad's, weekends at my grandparents' and the other nights at homebase. One Valentine's Day morning I awoke and hobbled into the kitchen for breakfast. On the kitchen table, to my surprise, I found the most adorable red, little bunny- mouse thing with a heart on it's stomach that said "Be Mine"!
I still remember that moment to this day, and at that moment I truly felt loved.
This year I gave Sofi and Jordan glitter snow globes with a big red heart in the middle...and I hope that one day they'll remember that their mom thought of them on Valentine's Day...even after they, too, will have lived chocolate, roses, romantic dinners and poetry written with love.
