Fairy Dust: Sprinkle With Care

I had this vicious dream about a year ago. I was standing on the beach with my back to the sea and I saw three tornadoes from a distance approaching rapidly. The first tornado veered off into the sea, the second tornado passed me by and the third and biggest came directly at me. It stopped in front of me and a face appeared in the middle of the tornado. It stared directly into my eyes and I awoke..breathing heavily.

There are situations in life over which we have no control. As adults we have the power to make decisions even when others seemingly control our destiny- we can control how we act, feel and respond in these situations based on how we have lived other traumatic events.

Sofia is in the staring the tornado in the face phase, but she has no prior traumatic experiences from which to draw strength.

Once upon a time...I was Sofia.

Sofia: MOMMY I HAVE A STOMACHACHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: (hugging Sofia) Sofia, you know, last night I had a dream and an angel came to talk to me. She told me you were having bad dreams and seeing monsters and she was very worried about you, because she loves you. She gave me something magical to give to you.

Sofia: What Mommy?

Me: (hiding hand clenched in a fist) She gave me a fistful of magical fairy dust, she put it right in the palm of my hand.

Sofia: Mommy, come on, there's no such thing as fairydust.

Me: Well, now, I sure am sorry you feel that way, because the angel told me it's only for very imaginative, intelligent little girls who love Lady Gaga.

Sofia: Go on.

Me: Magical fairydust can only be seen in dreams because the colors are so bright and glittery that a human eye would go blind if it were visible not in dreams. It's a kind of powerful stuff that you can only see when you close your eyes and try to imagine being close enough to touch a rainbow.

Sofia: (staring at my fist) So, what does it do?

Me: The angel told me that everytime you have a bad dream or feel so sad that your stomach starts to hurt, you need to take a fistful of fairydust, throw it at the monster or rub it on your tummy and millions of sparkling butterflies will appear before your eyes.

Sofia: (Smiling)

Me: I was instructed to put the dust in the palm of your hand, you have to squeeze it tightly and then we put it over your heart together, only then will it work in case of monsters.

We performed the ritual and Sofia smiled.

Sofia: Mommy, it works, my stomachache is gone!

 

A Shoulder

Sometimes we are a shoulder, and sometimes we need a shoulder...but what happens when we become the shoulder? What happens when we become the shoulder for others to the point where our shoulders become so broad that we forget that we, too, need a shoulder? So, instead of asking for help, we lash out to cover our own vulnerability? Because we don't ask for help, we live our lives offering it.

When we are so used to living life with the weight of the world on our shoulders and suddenly that weight is lifted, we feel so light that we require something heavy to crash on our heads to restore balance. Once balance is restored, we can breathe once again...badly. Learning to accept what is good in life, periods of calm and peace give us time to regroup and restore energy lost in battling and suffering. Unfortunately, those periods are few. But when you are so smashed, ten hours of non-stress is like an air-gulping free for all and sometimes that's all it takes to get you through another ten hours.

I have always been a strong person. I have taken on a new culture, new friends, new language, problems, disability, taking driver's ed for the second time in my life, speech therapy, emergency room allergy attacks in another language, childbirth without an epidural and cochlear implant surgery, but this...this is some wicked shit.

I believe that there is good in all people and I have always managed to bring out that good in people. For the first time in my life, I am responsible for bringing out the bad...

I have found that I can no longer be the shoulder...and that every now and then, I could use one.